A Full Heart

Tonight I am restless. It may have something to do with the Mocha Chip Blizzard which I ate after my OB appointment ;-) Or maybe my heart won't let me rest until I express it's fullness!

How thankful I am to be here right now, unencumbered by the negative emotions which sometimes plague me. My heart has only one desire: to be pleasing to my Lord. How undeserving I am to be a partaker of His marvelous inheritance in light! And to think that He chose to die for me while I was yet dead in my sins. It is truly mind-boggling.

O, Lord, may I walk worthy of You unto all pleasing! Let me be fruitful unto every good work, and increase in the knowledge of You. Lord, you strengthen us with all might according to Your glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering - with joyfulness! I pray this prayer right now for the faces which rise out of my heart in earnestness. O, God I groan for them who need to be strengthened right now. Lord, please do whatever it is that you do within hearts to make them grow into the light of the knowledge of Your glory in the face of Your beautiful Son Jesus Christ. How I long to be more fully in Your presence.

Ramblings On Sweetness...

It seems that my life is in a constant state of flux lately. My motto: be flexible or die.

I alternate between excitement that it I have the organizational skills to keep my house well and children occupied, and disappointment that I am suppposed to "take it easy" because of continued bleeding in the pregnancy. A verse comes to mind... "Godliness with contentment is great gain". Is that You Lord?

I guess it never occurred to me that being driven to keep everyone on task could be robbing my contentment; though my dear husband will tell you that it has occurred to him:-) So, when my 4-year-old has received consistent smiles and hugs combined with proper chastisement at times and continues to give me angry looks, I know something is not right.

A few days ago I focused with my girls on sweetness. I talked to them often of the way Jesus wants us to behave. Of the sweetness found in His daughters. As the day progressed, it became obvious that their lack of sweetness was rooted in something else.

That night I asked my husband if I was sweet. As I suspected, that wasn't the first word to come to mind. He said I was "practical". For me, the word "brusk" somehow leapt out of his appraisal and stuck there in my mind. I looked it up in the dictionary.

Brusk: Abrupt and curt in manner or speech; discourteously blunt.

I have heard it said that the rod makes a child sweet. That you should not cease a period of chastisement until you have reached the child's heart and sweetness is the result. This has been on my heart a lot lately. But I have come to the conclusion that there is a lot more to it. I must become what I want my daughters to be. If I am lacking in a certain area, then expecting a child to become that is like expecting them to look in the mirror and see something that isn't there.

Just like it is preposterous for a man to look at his face in the mirror and immediately forget what he looks like, as James states in regard to disobeying the Word, it is just as strange (without the fulness of the Holy Spirit bearing fruit) to see a child acting in a way that his parents have not emulated for him.

An online dictionary defines sweetness as having a pleasing disposition; lovable.

I believe that sweetness is the result of the Spirit of God bearing fruit in our lives. I thought I was sweet because I was living on the memory of a bountiful harvest of fruit in my life a while back. Now I realize that the sweetness I crave is rooted in my own fruit (or lack thereof). I must meekly accept the ingrafted Word, and then await the sweet results. My children will then know true sweetness, directly from the source Himself.

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. 24And they that are Christ???s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. 25If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 26Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:22-26

Longing to Do God's Will

I remember when I was part of BSF as a young woman, just 2 years married, and we studied the minor prophets. Through the study, I became convicted of my own preoccupation with my house. I was spending time trying to decide what furniture to buy, and spending too much time cleaning. (If I'd known then what I know now, I would have spent that time learning! How to sew...how to garden...how to cook...the list is longer than I'd like :-))

When I really sought God about how I could be joining His work instead of being so caught up in my own world, the only thing that continued to surface in my mind was this: mentoring a young person. It made sense to me that God would use me in this way because I had gone through such hard times myself as a youngster.

So, I prayed for an opportunity to do just that. And, feeling emboldened, I even prayed that I would have an opportunity - within the week! I was on the lookout wherever I went.

However, I was still very surprized when I went to work three days later. At the time I was the secretary for Hawkeye Area Youth For Christ, and the Executive Director, John Sellers, was often giving me updates on what was happening with the ministry. On this particular day he shared with me something that surprized him greatly. He said that parents of youth would sometimes request a mentor for their son or daughter. But never had a youth approached him wanting to be mentored, and John was not only surprized, but beside himself because he currently had no female volunteers who were available in this capacity.

I immediately began to weep with joy and excitement. I was so thrilled because I had never had more direct communication with God. Sure I had felt that God was speaking to me before (mostly through the Word), but the directness of the communication made me feel so close to Him. It was like this in my mind:

Me: God, what do you want me to do?
God: Here, do this.
Me: Yes, Lord!

So, I embarked upon a relationship with a sweet girl named Amanda. We worked out together, had Bible study together, prayed together. I know that I probably made quite a few mistakes. I was too bold at times. I probably talked when I should have listened at times and vice versa.

But for me, the entire experience was glorious because there was not a shadow of doubt in my mind that I was doing EXACTLY what God wanted me to do.

Now I am in the trenches of motherhood and longing for such glory. In my mind I am aware that what I am doing is worthy. That He is pleased with my choice to stay home with my kids and homeschool them. But I am lacking that intimate communion with the Lord which makes what I am doing truly glorious!

Four years ago I had a four-year-old boy, a 3-year-old girl and a 15-month-old girl and my house was in chaos. The children were very much out of control and my psyche was in a shambles. I remember falling on my face before God, asking Him what I could do to restore some semblance of order in the home.

The Lord brought me to some wonderful ladies online who shared beautiful testimony about their home lives. The common link these ladies shared was a wonderfully sweet communion with God. There was much listening and obeying between the mother and God. And these ladies also shared some great resources which had impacted their parenting. I feel that God redirected the course of my parenting through their precious testimony and shared resources.

And so I come to the conclusion that maybe I am listening lately for some grandiose directive from God, when I should be listening for small directions throughout the day...perhaps having conversations like this:

Me: God, what is the problem with me and my daughter?
God: Love her with your time.... "Each of your should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

or

Me: God, give me wisdom!
God: LISTEN. To your children. Then to Me. "My sheep hear my voice and obey it."

This can be a hard thing for a mother in the trenches; especially for a mother with multiple young children. Yet I long to be stronger in the Lord. I long to be more attentive to His voice.

And to be obedient.

I want to be the man who laid his foundation on the rock in Luke 6:46-49:

And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will show you to whom he is like: He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.

Elizabeth Elliot writes in a recent devotional:

"What agonies I suffered as a young woman, straining my ears to catch the voice, full of fear that I would miss it, yet longing to hear it, longing to be told what to do, in order that I might do it. That desire is a pure one. Most of our desires are tainted at least a little, but the desire to do the will of God surely is our highest. Is it reasonable to think that God would not finally reveal his will to us?"

She is speaking of the big picture, I the little. But the principle remains the same. The Lord will honor the one whose true longing is to do His will.

So I pray for myself and other moms in the trenches...

Lord, still my soul from the business which is such a part of my life. Facilitate for me the clarity of mind needed to listen attentively to your voice. I want to hear you. I want to obey You. I need to hear and obey your voice. I need to be able to hear inside of each moment and pause for your everpresent whispers. O, be still my soul....

Note: If you'd like to subscibe to Elizabeth Elliot's daily devotional, click here. And follow the links. It has been wonderful encouragement to me!

Christmas

Here is a picture of us that we took on Christmas morning:

The Seven Sevens

So I am finally responding to my tag...sorry Becky :-( I'm a bit slow lately.

Seven things I hope to do before I die:
1. See all of my children believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and walk in Him.
2. Grow again in Jesus myself... (Soon Lord! It seems like it's been winter for at least a year)
3. Write letters of affirmation to all of my kids, for them to read after I am gone
4. Completely organize my home and develop better, more orderly habits
5. Hold my grandchildren (and help to train them Lord?)
6. Develop the habit of writing everyday; and write a book :-)
7. Learn to play the piano well enough to play hymns effortlessly

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Throw a grenade (or throw at all for that matter :-) - just ask the drill seargent who spotted me as I threw my one (and only) live grenade. He refused to let me throw the second one due to the amount of dirt which landed on us after my first throw. And Lord knows how I practiced every day in the field.)
2. Tap dance (yet I would LOVE to learn)
3. Grow flowers from seed in my yard (I apparently need a greenhouse)
4. Fly an airplane
5. Fix my computer or printer (Nate found a dead moth in our printer and David swears he saw the dead moth fly in :-) )
6. Go to bed on time...here I sit at 10:28, rubbing my tired eyes! Lord, have mercy!
7. Leave any Death by Chocolate from Bennigans on my plate (it must be THE most delicious thing on the planet)... is there a Bennigan's in St. Louis? I think I will go back to Iowa just to get a slice.

Seven things that attract me to my spouse: (significant other, best friend)
1. The grace which characterizes his behavior (he's like the Lord Jesus, I tell him, full of grace and truth)
2. His keen intelligence
3. His gorgeous green eyes, with their own unique orange spot
4. His marvelously sculpted chin
5. His hands (their warmth and strength)
6. His excitement when he tells me about a new idea
7. His joviality and sense of humor

Seven things I say often:
1. Really?
2. Oh, my goodness!
3. I see.
4. You did it!
5. Mommy is doing this because it's the best thing for YOU.
6. That's fantastic!
7. I know what you mean.

Seven books or book series I love:
1. The Holy Bible
2. The Laura Ingalls Wilder Little House Series
3. The Zion Chronicles by Bodie and Brock Thoene
4. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
5. The Mark of the Lion Series by Francine Rivers
6. On Writing Well by William Zinser
7. To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debbie Pearl

Seven movies I do watch over and over again: (I'll update if I think of more)
...rarely do I watch a movie, let alone watch one over and over, so this is hard...
1. Luther (I actually saw this movie 3 times and loved it each time)
2. The Jesus Movie starring Brian Deacon (I've seen it at least 3 times)
3. Mary Poppins
4. Lord of the Rings
5. most Star Trek movies (Nathan and I really like The Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock...etc)
6. Mr. Bean's Christmas Special (actually a thirty minute show) - this is so funny that I laugh so hard I cry...EVERY YEAR!
7.

Seven people I want to join in this Seven Sevens:
If you are reading this post, and have a blog or a way to respond on the Internet, then consider yourself tagged! Please comment so I know to come and read your responses. This is the kind of tag I like :-).

The Baby....

Is a boy! We found out yesterday for sure, though I was pretty sure based on how my body reacted with Josh and David. It is much more fun to be pregnant with girls - at least for me. Please pray for us though, for the placenta is very low (partially covering the cervix). Hopefully it will move before this baby is born!

Okay, I've learned my lesson. Don't ever title a blog post "Today" and then cease writing for so long! It is so annoying to see my site from time to time with the same fresh, outdated word jumping out at you.

Since last I wrote we have filled our garage, downstairs, apartment and storage areas with furniture and boxes of stuff from Grandma's huge house in Washington. It has been a "boxy" adventure to say the least, and we are very thankful that there won't be any more semi-truck size moving trucks backing down our driveway. The children have enjoyed bits and pieces of Grandma as she sneaks in and out to give hugs, fold laundry or bring us more stuff. For the most part she has been unpacking and organizing in her little apartment. Benjamin has commandeered the downstairs areas (except for Nathan's office) and has his sleeping area sectioned off with 8 foot bookshelves. I think he is concerned that the little ones will "invade" :-) but I am keeping them mostly upstairs.

I have discovered that there are natural planning times during my year. August, December & April seem to be the times when I need to plan the most. However, planning to plan seems to be the thing I have lacked the foresight to do consistently! Being able to concentrate on planning is hugely dependent on children who can be self-occupied for chunks of time without interrupting. Mine do pretty well when I plan something for them, but this is not my strong point...planning. Or planning to plan. Or planning to plan to plan. Ok, now I'm dizzy. So, now I am reading through Candy's The Home Management Binder: The Housewife's Best Friend and working on actually finishing my own binder, which has lain hopefully in my cupboard for awhile now. I am having a lot of fun with it :-)

Sigh. Now if I can just get it finished.

Thanks to those of you who have inquired as to my absence from the blogdom. If feels nice to be missed :-). Hopefully I can get back into the habit of writing often again.

Today

I am having a 10 minute break right now while the bread is sponging, so I thought I would hop on the computer and write a quick update. I've got some warm bread by my side, slathered with homemade honey-butter, and some warm coffee as well :-)

Breadmaking day used to be a drag because I didn't look forward to all of the washing up afterwards, but for some reason this has become unimportant lately. To save time, I've begun baking two batches (8 loaves) at one time, and it feels good to wash up, knowing that I won't have to do it again for a week and ahalf. Of course, we don't get to enjoy the warm bread fresh from the oven as often, but sometimes during busy seasons it is worth it. This morning Deborah helped me mix up the bread-dough, but I have currently lost my children's interest to Dora the Explorer ;-).

I must admit, I'm a little jealous. Yet I am grateful for the occasional opportunity to go full-speed ahead with my activities :-).

Well, I've also got tomatoes all over my veranda still, so today is also freeze the tomatoes day. I am cutting them up and freezing them in bags of 4 cups (maybe I should be freezing them whole??). Still being ignorant of the canning process, I've decided to do it the quick and easy way. Today I will also work on cleaning up the storage area.

Grandma Tippy will arrive on Monday. We are very much looking forward to her presence :-). She is an amazing person who adds laughter and loving service wherever she goes. She and Benjamin (Nate's little brother) will live with us until their house sells in Washington and they have a new location here.

Well, I'd better get moving before my energy slips away and I need a nap ;-) (Lately the pregnancy has been calling for one several times a week.)