The Miracle of Change

In my scant years, I have experienced both the true delight of change and the discouragement of staying the same. As I look into the mirror of scripture, it is apparent that God desires for His children to be like Him. Yet too often, I walk away from him and see a face in the mirror which resists change. I hold onto who I was. I steer myself into the patterns of the years; choosing to forget what I look like.

In reality, when God looks at me, He sees Jesus Christ, if I am truly in Christ. This is true regardless of my appearance. But when the passage of my life brings about a representation which does not resemble Him more and more, I believe it grieves the Spirit of the Lord. In the same way that a parent would be grieved by a child who was not learning to be upright in his character.
In my past there have been three times of obvious growth. Each time I have grown in my relationship with the Lord, and I believe this is of primary importance. But I have learned something about myself. I am guarded. I am afraid of gossip. I don't trust people easily. My parents had no friends, and so there were no relationships modeled for me. I find them mysterious and difficult.

I think this is why I am struggling now with my parenting and my growth in the Lord. I don't know how to have relationships. I often choose not to try. And this is so messed up because I feel such a deep need for relationships! The people in my life may want to get closer, but I am afraid. Afraid that they won't like me or accept me. I feel worthless because my parents didn't love me enough to have a relationship with me when I was growing up. And it's my turn now. I believe God wants me to overcome this hurdle of woundedness and self-absorbsion in order to build up my kids and model good relationships for them. Like it or not Danielle, you need people, and they need you.
So how does the miracle of change relate to relationships anyway? I don't know exactly, but I guess it has to do with openness. God's forgiveness flows through the door of an open heart. His power of change comes through the same door. If I am closing the door to relationships, I am closing the door on the Lord's power for change. Somehow it all works together.

Hearts, Like Doors...

Will open with ease, to very very little keys. And don't forget that two of these are thank you sir, and if you please.

My children know this poem by heart, and likely yours do too if you're using Language Lessons for the Well-Trained Mind as part of your home school curriculum. I am always amazed at their ability to memorize things. They memorize new poems and songs, states & countries, the periodic table. And without even trying, they memorize ways of speaking and expressions and all the attitudes that mom and dad exude. Yep. All of them. Good and bad. Consider the exhortations of this poem.

"Thank you sir". Thankfulness is certainly the most important attitude for any mother to have. Consider it's absence.... and know that you are not the only one for whom complaints will rush to fill that empty space. Thankfulness fits the space more nicely, and I believe that it is truly a key. A key to the hearts around you and, more importantly, a key to the heart of God. Scripture teaches us that we are to both be thankful and do everything without complaining. I believe that the one precedes the other. Giving thanks fills up the space and complaining suddenly doesn't even make sense.

My husband recently quoted Tolstoy on happy homes. He said "All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. " I submit to you that thankfulness is certainly a key to the happy family. And I agree that there are many ways to be unhappy, because there are so many things which will rush to fill the void of thankfulness. For example... anger, blame, greed. You get the picture. Thankfulness brings the heart into alignment with God, because your members have ceased to lust and your mind has reached for peace. "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful." Col. 3:15

The second key is if you please. A focus on positive interaction seems to be the exhortation. Consider the opposite. Negative, unpleasant relationships. Fighting over toys. Combative, warring attitudes. Nothing will make a heart slam closed more quickly than ceasing to be pleasant. Anger, allowed to continue on, is the root of unforgiveness. And as the scripture teaches clearly, God doesn't forgive us if we do not forgive each other (Matthew 6:14-15).

I like to look at it this way. Each heart has a door. When that door is opened, forgiveness (the oil of relationships) flows easily to and from people and the Lord. When that door closes, the forgiveness of others can not come through. That means the forgiveness of other people and the forgiveness of God, though they may continue to flow, are effectively blocked out of our lives. Is God choosing to cut off the flow of grace into our lives? No, but when we move away from His fountain, and instead drink from bitter waters, we are not immune to their effects.

Recently this became so evident as I was dealing with one of my children. This particular child was not responsive to my instruction not to jump on the furniture. He was disciplined appropriately and I requested that he ask me for forgiveness also. At his frown, I told him not to ask if he didn't mean it, because he wouldn't be able to receive it if the door of his heart was closed. Thus was the track for this train of thought laid.

This whole truth is also apparent when dealing with greed. A child may hold onto a toy, or some candy, completely oblivious to the joy that awaits his open hands. A young Christian may hold onto money, thereby missing out on the blessing of God's response. Truly He will throw open the gates of blessing and pour them out upon us. But not if we've got closed hands and hearts.

This truth is becoming more all-encompassing with each moment. But I can't help but think also of attitudes. The one that comes to mind is woundedness. I remember myself as a young wife. I would often hold onto wrong attitudes, like withdrawing in anger, removing affection, averting my eyes from my beloved. I would turn my back and feed these wicked feelings.

I am so thankful that God showed me years ago how damaging such attitudes are. Truly there is nothing like woundedness to close a heart fast. The trick is, to begin to let God unlock your heart, because, truth-to-tell, there will not always be someone with skin on who is willing to unlock that door.

There is a stuffed lamb on my dresser.  I adore him because of his posture. He sits on his behind, with his paws out and his head tilted back in adoration. Whenever I look at him, I am reminded of the most important attitudes that God desires for me to have: my eyes looking up to my father in expectation, my hands open and extended for the giving and receiving of more than just forgiveness, and my lips ready with thanksgiving and good will.

For truly,

Hearts, like doors, will open with ease
To very, very little keys
And don't forget that two of these
Are thank you sir, and if you please.

Kiss Me Soundly!

I had to share a journal entry I found yesterday. I read it to the kids and they died laughing! It is dated August 12th, 2002. We lived in Iowa at the time.

I sat on the bed and pulled Nathan to me and said, "now - kiss me soundly!" He proceeded to kiss me, making as much noise as he could. I said, "that wasn't quite right, let's try again." To which he replied, "that was as much sound as I could muster!" We both dissolved at the hilarity of our "romantic" life. It was good to be married.

Do Not Give Up Meeting Together

I had an epiphany recently. As we were sitting together on Sunday night, with our new church small group. We shared a meal together. We praised the Lord in song. We partook of the Word, and of the Lord's supper. But mostly, at least for me, it was about being together, in the Body of Christ. Lingering in His presence, as we sought the fellowship of the beloved.

As I came reluctantly away from the meeting, a scripture whispered in my ear. "Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is..." (Hebrews 10:25a). I found myself wondering if this is what the Lord was referring to. This time of fellowship in a smaller, more intimate group, perhaps? As opposed to the modern church service? It is easy in many churches to slip in and out again without truly connecting with the Body of Christ. Surely this kind of disjointed "body" cannot function correctly. His blood must flow freely through His body and each member be cleansed continually by the flow. His muscles must be used in a coordinated fashion in order for Him to be effectively ministering to the world around Him. His members must be near Him to become like Him, for surely we become like those we are with, as "we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Cor. 3:18).

I think many Christians fall into the trap of believing that drawing near to the Lord is experienced alone. And certainly it is that, when we are communing with Him in our prayer closet, and seeking his guidance throughout the day. But it is so much more! We are exhorted to continue meeting together, to encourage one another, to confess our sins one to another, to a unity of the faith, to pray for one another, to sharpen one another, to love one another and serve one another. All of us together, striving toward the same goal. To be more like Jesus, from glory... to glory!

And what about being with others who may not have it all "together"? I remember thinking on multiple occasions that I really wanted to spend some one-on-one time with a Godly family. A family who had gotten some things that I was struggling with. But whenever I encountered such a family, I was always paralyzed by fear. Fear that they wouldn't want to be with my family because we were certainly not "together" in so many ways.

And then I went through my "together" stage. When I thought things were going pretty well. The kids were pretty well behaved and, well, maybe we should just hang around others who were "good" also. After all, we wouldn't want any negative influence to rub off on us. Perhaps you hear the sarcasm in my voice.

Being with Jesus means being with people. Especially people who don't have it all "together". And when you are seeking after the heart of Jesus, pressing in to be near to him, that means you are, like Him, surrounded often by people (self included) who miss the mark. It's not about us. It's about Him.

I am certain that I would not be experiencing this had we not been searching for a new church. A wise preacher once said "go where people are getting saved". Well, our fourth church out, we came to an out-of-the-way, hard-to-find church to see John Clayton, who happened to be speaking at this church. We had just finished a 17-week series called "Does God Exist" by John Clayton in our home school, and we found a card on the bulletin board at Panera which advertised the very same series. We went out of curiosity, to see what kind of church would promote his teaching, which is not mainstream in regard to science and Christianity. It turned out that John Clayton himself was there and we met him in person! It was very exciting. We decided to visit the church also, hear the preaching and I went to the ladies Bible study. Everything lined up, and we have never been to a more "alive" church. There are tons of young people serving God, several ministries to disadvantaged families and people really want to know each other and hang out and fellowship. It is very precious to be a part of.

So, anyway, I am now eagerly pressing in to the Body of Christ. I am hungry for fellowship and looking forward to each occasion where I can be with these people. I feel like a huge missing element in my life has been filled in, and it is glorious! Thank You Lord!

Inwardly Fashioned for Faith...

"I am inwardly fashioned for faith, not for fear. Fear is not my native land; faith is. I am so made that worry and anxiety are sand in the machinery of life; faith is the oil. I live better by faith and confidence than by fear, doubt and anxiety. In anxiety and worry, my being is gasping for breath - these are not my native air. But in faith and confidence, I breathe freely - these are my native air."

"A John Hopkins University doctor says, "We do not know why it is that worriers die sooner than the non-worriers, but that is a fact." But I, who am simple of mind, think I know; we are inwardly constructed in nerve and tissue, brain cell and soul, for faith and not for fear. God made us that way. To live by worry is to live against reality." -Dr. E. Stanley Jones

A Mark of Maturity

I vividly remember an encounter I had as a young woman in the Lord. An older woman in our church was giving me a piece of wisdom that I did not appreciate. It had something to do with the security of the believer, or lack thereof. I remember not the exact words which were given. But I do remember one thing.

The dissonance. I had received certain truths into my spirit which had been the cause for much rejoicing, and I was very protective of that world. It surrounded me. The contradictory dissonance rang in my ears in such a way that I was afraid to let it continue.

After all, if I let my worldview shatter, then I would be vulnerable. I would have to work hard to rebuild my understanding. Seeking out the truth can be time-consuming, and I believe many, myself included at the time, are far too lazy to be such a seeker.

Seeking the truth diligently is rather akin to being in a perpetual construction zone. It can be messy. And overwhelming at times. Chances are that as soon as one area is finished, another one will be crumbling and require attention. Yet continued diligence in this area will yield a world view which is strong and likely to crumble much less completely and much less frequently. The key is: let it crumble!

I believe in the world of Christendom it is very easy for people to ride upon another's understanding. And to blindly follow another's world view without having tested it themselves. This is why it is very difficult in some churches to ask questions. After all, who are we to question what Bible scholars and great pastors have "figured out" before us? Certainly we must respect our teachers and learn from those around us. But I have heard it said that any pastor worth his salt will be rejoicing when questions abound about the Word of God. I agree! And we plan to find such a pastor, as we are currently seeking a new place of worship, closer to home.

But truth seeking is not limited to the Bible; though to the yielded Christian that may be the only important thing. God gave us a brain and put us in a rational world; a world that makes sense. We can use our minds to understand that world. I believe we have a responsibility to peel back the layer of deception which is often found in mainstream media, and to be a seeker of the truth in all areas of life; to disallow the worldview of ease in our lives. We can do this in many different ways. The internet provides a way to look at history as it is happening, instead of waiting for the polished (often inaccurate) version to show up in a textbook. There are some very reliable news sources today. Just by having a mindset which questions instead of accepts, we can filter through a myriad of errors.

One of my favorite Christmas specials is Mister Bean's Christmas. In this hilariously funny episode, Mr. Bean goes shopping for some Christmas ornaments and he chooses two shiny balls. He decides to test them by bouncing them upon the hard cement floor. The first one shatters. He is undeterred, and throws down the second one, which amazingly bounces right back up. He smiles, satisfied that he has chosen the best decoration, and moves on (note that he broke it, but he did not buy it ;-) ).

I like his courage. He is not afraid to test something beautiful and fragile, though it may break, and in the end he has a durable, beautiful ornament that he can be proud of.

In my mind that willingness to forge ahead and find the truth, whatever the cost, is a true mark of maturity. For the last few years or so I have listened eagerly when others expound about the truths they hold dear, and I am thankful that I have learned to tune out dissonance (usually :-) ), as I examine my particular view of the world for flaws. My world view has changed, as a result, and I believe this is a very good thing.

These thoughts are the result of watching a passionate truth-seeker in action. I have grown to admire and emulate my husband's journey to find a truly consistent world view.

Note to husband: Nathan - you inspire me! I think you have the most consistent world view of anyone I know, and I love you for your love of the truth. I thank my God for you always...

When Perfection Comes, the Imperfect Disappears

My heart was stolen by Mr. Self-Help. He was strong, and it seemed he could fix anything. Surely, my heart reasoned, this was the One for me. And my heart loved him, for a time. We read lots of books together. And he seemed to have all of the answers. That is, until my heart realized that he was just a box of bandaids, and he burned up in the fire. When the smoke had cleared away, I stood at the edge, overlooking the glory beyond, out of my reach. Then my heart cried for him, shook off the crusty bandaids, and moved on.

When Mr. Self-Denial showed up on my doorstep, I was intrigued. He was wiry and he moved slowly, but he seemed to have a lot of wisdom. I followed him, for a time. My heart thought, surely this is the path. If I give up food and pleasure, it will strengthen this heart of mine and I will see glory. Surely. But my heart could not do it, for it was surrounded by a weak and fleshly body. One day Mr. Self-Denial left me in the dust. When it had cleared away, I once again stood at the edge, overlooking the glory beyond, out of my reach. I didn't even cry for him.

I just stumbled over Mr. Penitent. He was kneeling in the tall grass and he looked up, startled as I fell over him. He had the saddest eyes; he seemed to be perpetually on the verge of tears. I liked that - a guy who could cry. I fell hard for him. We were together for ages it seemed. And he saw everything. My heart was an open book. Together, we poured it all out, but it seemed I would never be like him, and eventually I tired of those eyes. I realized that my heart would never be penitent enough. I would never be good enough for him, and when he saw that I despised him, he left me. I was so relieved, that I cried.
But I was still left with a wounded heart, surrounded by a weak and fleshly body. And I wandered, seeking a path to the glory which landed on my face but refused to permeate my heart.

At first I almost missed the knock, it was so soft. And the voice of Glory. Hope flooded my heart, and I threw open the door excitedly. He stood there with his arms wide open, pulsing with passion and life and love emanating from the source. I couldn't look upon Him, for the guilt which flooded my soul took the starch from my legs and I crumbled to the floor, sobbing. Slowly, I rose to look at Him again. He wanted me, I could tell. It was entirely unfathomable. How could this be? There was nothing that I could offer him; nothing that I could take to Him. How could I put my weak body in contact with His glory? It couldn't happen. I just couldn't see how it could happen! My heart throbbed for him, but my body trembled in weakness and fear. I turned away. When I looked up, He was gone.

I sat there in my house for days, feeling that nothing would ever be the same. Had I blown it? Because of my pride? But Lord, no good thing dwelleth in me... Woe is me! I am a woman of unclean lips! I am a woman with weak flesh....

Yet my heart desires You above all.

I made up my mind that if He returned, I would not draw back. And my heart mounted the wings of an eagle, waiting tirelessly for His presence.

This time His knock was unmistakable. It seemed that I had the ears to hear its sweet reverberations. I flew to the door and flung it wide open. Panting still with amazement, I beheld His Glory for only a moment before being enveloped in an embrace of perfection. His Perfect Body covered my weak body, and I melted into His death. I could sense my own death, and there was no longer any barrier. The blood of Christ flowed through my heart, cleansing and renewing. I knew that my weak and sinful flesh was disappearing in the waves of His white robe. I knew that His blood beat in my new heart. I knew that the dividing wall of hostility was ...... gone.

O Glory! Glory.

"21And you, that were sometime alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now hath he reconciled 22In the body of his flesh through death, to present you holy and unblameable and unreproveable in his sight: 23If ye continue in the faith grounded and settled, and be not moved away from the hope of the gospel, which ye have heard, and which was preached to every creature which is under heaven;..." Col. 1:21-23a

"6For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ." 2 Cor. 4:6